Ask a guy - Get honest relationship advice from a man's point of view

[Dora26]

Hey girls,

If there is anything you would like to know or just want to get an honest opinion from a guy about what you should do etc.. just post it here. I'll try to answer your questions.

Yes please! I think a (male) friend of mine might want to take things to the next step, but I would quite like a guy's opinion on the situation. I'll do my best to be brief... We have known each other for about a year and a half and hit it off straight away. When we met, we were both in relationships (we are both now single). We email almost every day and meet up at least once a week. Nothing has ever happened between us (actually we have never made any physical contact at all, which I think is a bad sign..?) but he has said and done so many things that make me question his motives (in a good way lol) Like he pays so much attention to me... he quite literally seems to remember every interaction we have ever had... to the point that he remembers word for word what I said to him when we first met. I find this really odd as he has a terrible memory and is always telling me this. When other people are around, I often catch him looking at me. When I do, he smiles (obviously I smile back). We met up yesterday and during the conversation, he told me that he doesn't like sending emails. I was a little shocked as we have emailed almost every day for months! When I asked him about it, he said that because we live 'so far away' (an hour) from each other, it was the only way he could talk me. I asked him if he wanted me to stop emailing him and he said 'please don't stop emailing me, I love reading your emails'. I've tried looking at his body language but when we meet, I am having too much of a good time to analyse the situation... I have noticed that we make an unusual amount of eye contact and sit very close to one another, without touching (sometimes our knees touch by accident... neither of us move). What do you think? Are there enough signs there for me to risk the friendship?

[Thomas]

Hi Dona,

in my opinion the reason why he says that he doesn't like emails is that he'd rather spend the time with you in person.
There are definitely enough signs

[MakeupbyJenniferBarnes]

Hey girls,

If there is anything you would like to know or just want to get an honest opinion from a guy about what you should do etc.. just post it here. I'll try to answer your questions.

Hello Thomas, I have a complicated situation I was talking to this guy for a while and at the time I was really busy with school and work and I didnt really have much time to hang out with him. So after awhile he pretty ended up growing tired so out of the blue he ends up with a girlfriend (which I believe hes with her because he got tired of waiting for me though he says "it just happened") Although he is the type who does sleep with the girls he dates kind of guy and not that there was any real pressure to its just the idea that he`ll pretty much possibly move on to someone. Now I dont believe hes still with this girl since hes always flirting with me and hes not the type of guy who cheats on a girl hes in a relationship with. And yes I do really like him so thats the kindve confusing part about the whole thing.

[tydge]

What I wonder... is it okay for a girl to give a guys flowers? For his birthday or for having passed a very difficult test or phase of life? I know this guy and I really like him and I do believe he likes me too and he had this very difficult test and he passed really good within the first 5 % of his class and I wondered if it is appropriate to send him flowers by post? Or is it better to look out for something else to say I am really proud of you and you did a great job?

[rpoppy77]

Hi Thomas,

I'm experiencing some serious dating confusion. I met a guy online - my first and only date on match.com. We met up for drinks, had a good time but I wasn't expecting too much as I was leaving town for a month over the holidays. We kept in touch, though, and when I got back he asked me to go out that Friday night. We had a really good time and actually spent a lot of the weekend together. He seemed super respectful and into me in the beginning - paying for everything, picking me up, holding my hand and even introducing me to some of his friends on the third date. Whenever we are hanging out together he seems interested and super sweet - always holding my hand, playing with my hair and asking if I need anything. The only thing is that it alternates between super comfortable and awkward. At the end of our dates he generally doesn't make plans to see me again but has always asked me out later....until now. I think I got too comfortable and let things move quickly. By the fourth date I was sleeping over at his place and by the 6th we had been intimate. I had thought everything was going well but ,after spending so much time together that weekend, he seems to have withdrawn. We never discussed Valentines Day and he tends to not make plans at the end of our dates - he just says "I'll see you soon or talk to you later" I kinda lost power at the end of last week by agreeing to go over to watch a movie at his place even though he had kinda snubbed me on Vday - he made no effort to arrange a date and said he was keeping it low key that night since he was doing a 25 mile run the next day. I was reluctant to go but I thought it might be a good opportunity to wrap things up but then he started being sweet again - holding my hand and playing with my hair. When he started to get more intimate than I was comfortable with, I told him I thought we rushed it and I wasn't really comfortable with casual sex. He said okay and said we could definitely take it slow but we ended up fooling around a bit anyways. He, again, said "I'll see you later" when we parted and gave me a hug and kiss. Was that a brush off? He hasn't called or texted this week and he usually does it early if he wants to hang out on Friday.

I'm totally confused because he seems to like me when we are together. We laugh and joke around and he always wants to hold hands, stroke my hair, and cuddle. Did I just move too quickly and the chase is gone or was he just never into me that way? I wanted to spend more time with him and get to know each other better but I'm not sure if that is even possible now. Should I say something to him and ask him whats up or just let it go? If I do say something, what should I say?

Thanks!

[monimarie]

I have been fwb with this guy for a year, we first met at college i told him i was making dinner and he asked if he could come over I said yes. I was assuming he'd come over later than night, 5 minutes after seeing him he asks if he could come over so we could talk. He told me all about himself and he asked about me and we had a great night with dinner, chatting and movies and cuddling. Over more times of hanging out things had gotten sexual, we both agreed on sex. I always thought fwb was just sex and go..but it seems to be more and i'm a very cold hearted girl since my last relationship so I was preventing myself from feelings. I believe there was 3 times we have hung out without sex, one time we were out in public strolling through stores and it was so cute seeing him like a little kid with video games, and out of nowhere he plants a kiss on me. I was surprised I didnt expect pda, than the next few times we hung out it was sex but its always passionate and we normally cuddle and I spend the night, he never rushes me out he'll ask me if i want to take a shower or anything. One time which was the thing that really got me wondering, we had sex and i was just laying there he comes over and puts a blanket over me and asks me if i'm hungry I say yes im assuming a frozen dinner or a snack....he made me a chicken salad, with lamb and rice...served it to me brung a table to the bed set it up for me brought me water. It was so sweet and he cleaned it up for me! Also everytime we leave he gives me the biggest kiss i love it! As well as him texting me to talk and does not bring up sex, and will tell me he wishes i was there with him. The first time i've actually talked to one of my good friends about him was a few days ago and I started realizing all these times I spend with him I cant help but smile and I think do I like him? does he like me? Although I know most of the time fwb fails to be anything more..but do you think there could be anything more?

[misty33]

Hey girls,

If there is anything you would like to know or just want to get an honest opinion from a guy about what you should do etc.. just post it here. I'll try to answer your questions.

Hi Thomas,

I have kind of a serious problem in my relationship that needs to be fixed. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and half. The first part of our relationship was exactly like any other relationship I've been in...we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I knew he watched porn, but it didn't bother me any because he was always coming to me. However, now our sex life is non-existent. He watches porn literally everyday, but does nothing with me anymore. This really bothers me because I already have a low self esteem, and this is making it worse. We have no intimacy, and it's very hurtful to me. I have voiced my issues with this many times and each time he apologizes and says he will try to fix this and make things right between us, however nothing has changed. We have plans to get married and start a family. Why is he doing this to me?

[vogueboy]

Hi Thomas,

I have kind of a serious problem in my relationship that needs to be fixed. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and half. The first part of our relationship was exactly like any other relationship I've been in...we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I knew he watched porn, but it didn't bother me any because he was always coming to me. However, now our sex life is non-existent. He watches porn literally everyday, but does nothing with me anymore. This really bothers me because I already have a low self esteem, and this is making it worse. We have no intimacy, and it's very hurtful to me. I have voiced my issues with this many times and each time he apologizes and says he will try to fix this and make things right between us, however nothing has changed. We have plans to get married and start a family. Why is he doing this to me?

Hi Misty, I know this message was meant for Thomas, but I am going to jump in and take a shot at this...

Regardless if he's watching porn, fixing cars, or playing video games, he's not participating in the relationship at the intimate level. How is he contributing elsewhere in the relationship???

The way I see it, it's not about the porn... And he is not doing anything to you. You're allowing yourself to sit in your comfort zone watching how he lives his life, while you wonder when is my life going to begin?

If you're up for a homework assignment, try this exercise:

The question you need to be asking yourself is: What do I want??? Want out of life? Want for myself? And want in this relationship? Write your answers down, and cross out any material wants and excuses that are getting in your way of getting what you want... The answer you'll be looking for will be your truth and yours alone. (Yeah I know it sounds all weird right now, but give it a try...)

Yes, we all want a million dollars, the fast car, the big mansion etc... But sitting in that chair right now reading this Misty, can you get these things right now? No you can't. The question is: What do you really want??? Your boyfriend to stop watching porn? To get married? Have 2.3 kids with him? Sure, but you can't control his behaviour, only he can... And we'll get into that next.

Next, ask your boyfriend in a friendly light conversational kind of way, on what he wants... Not what he's looking for, but what he wants. Out of life? In the relationship? In his life? Give him a chance for him to reply with direct answers. Don't put words in his mouth or coerce him to what you want to hear. Give him his time.

Now, if your boyfriend is unwilling to try this... And you've given him an open opportunity to try it without you pushing him, then you have your answer there as well. If he is unwilling to try this exercise with his potential life partner, how willing will he be in other areas of his life? Or in your relationship? Or to try new things? To share? Or to change?

Now, what ever you do, don't confront him (girls always do this), with the immediate issue (the porn watching) he'll shut down. (Guys always do this). And thus nothing gets in the open, let alone gets resolved. It may seem anti-productive at first, but the true answers you'll be looking for will reveal itself to you. Just be patient.

(Remember, it's not about the porn. Replace the word 'porn' with fb, video games, cars, sports, TV, drugs etc. It's not the immediate issue that's the concern, it's his behaviour that's the issue. So don't confront him with the immediate issue! Girls are curious creatures and they want to know what's going on right away inside a guys head, and that kind of pushing will drive us guys away very fast and we go quiet. We will let you know what's going on when we are not pushed.)

Now, if your boyfriend is willing to try this, he'll first respond like you did, with material wants and then excuses of what's getting in his way of getting what he wants... He might get angry, and frustrated, but that's normal... Give him his time and his moment to express his answers to you without you interrupting him. If you interrupt him, because you don't like his answers or you're angry, or he won't get to the point right away, he'll shut down. Again, nothing will come of it. However, if he keeps saying material things, keep asking him in a kind way "what do you want?" Until he gets past the material things.

Guys are not big talkers and expressers of feelings in these types of matters, so be patient with him, there will be moments of long silences, that's just our way of processing. Just don't let him change the subject. Keep him focused. He'll let you know when he's had enough, and allow it to pause. You'll know it when you hear it and see it in his eyes.

If he stops right away, be accepting that he did open himself up to you. At least it's progress and you'll have a better idea where his head is at at this point in his life. Again, ask yourself, "How willing was he to do this?" Did his thinking shift? Is he willing to do this again? Only you can answer that with your experience with him. Again, his answers will speak volumes to you.

Now when you compare his final answer with yours, are they both on the same path? Do you see yourselves growing together? Are you both open to change? Sharing? Etc. Your answers needn't be the same... But are they similar? Do you have a similar vision? Outlook on life? That sort of thing.

Regardless of the answers Misty, you now have a decision to make. And will that decision make you happy? Or fill you full of regret and resentment? Guarranteed it will make you empowered by getting yourself outside of your comfort zone and getting what you want.

I know this seems weird and different to get your boyfriend, (in a round-about way), to open up. At least you'll know where his head is at.

Anyways, that's my take on it.

Good Luck Misty.